Every generation, there is but one great work that not only redefines literature and the artistic endeavor, but also changes how we as humans perceive and relate to the world that surrounds us. I am, of course, still referring to LA Candy. But, all digressions aside, the subject of today’s LICK MY CRIT is not that masterpiece of masterpieces by Ms. Lauren Conrad, literarian extraordinaire, but rather a sort of precursor to LA Candy, The Book of Genesis. (Authorship is still debated)

So, let us start at the beginning. (Ah cha cha!)

The original title for the Book of Genesis in Hebrew before world rights we sold and translations were made, was B’reshit, which, loosely translated into English, means “Bear Shit.” The original meaning of this phrase, however, has been lost for centuries, and we will never be able to fully comprehend this work due to this discrepancy in modern language usage.

The English title is from the Middle English “Jenna’s Sis” due to the fact that some ancient trollop named Jenna had a sister who told this story in the oral tradition before it was documented with rock and chisel and eventually on animal hides and later on paper and bound. While finding this Jenna is not my immediate concern, it would, naturally, be an appropriate topic for future investigation would we want to be able to access the text more fully and more deeply and much harder and definitely much much faster.

In the beginning, God spake. And spake. And spake. Stuff was created. God stopped spaking. He then took a break to take a dump, and voilà we are at our first pivotal moment in the story when man, Adam, is created.  Adam is created from the dust of the Earth. And then a woman is created be companion to Adam, Eve. Eve is created from a full slab rib meal down at the Sizzler. Of course, this Eve is all kinds of dickmatized by Adam and walks around with her bits hanging out so that Adam takes notice more fully and more deeply and much harder and definitely much much faster.

But, conflict arises, as does in all good fiction, and we have a snake with an apple. Now, here is the question: What if we have completely miscomprehended the story all this time? What if the apple had been green? What, you mean to tell me they didn’t have Granny Smith apples in the greater Mesopotamian Metropolitan Area back then? My argument is clear: the fucking apple was green, and this PROVES BEYOND A SHADOW OF A DOUBT that we’ve all misinterpreted the ENTIRE story all this time.

Ok, so Eve eats the Granny Smith, and all the sudden is all, “Yo, I’m finna raise up outta here and get me some threads; I ain’t want my vejayge blowin’ in the wind no mo.” Then, she texts Adam and is all, “Dude, call before you come, I need to shave my cho-cha.”

So, Adam and Eve do the sexy times, and Eve is with child. Eve then proceeds to become the first and most revered of mommy bloggers and writes about her entire family history, so that we have this book now before us. After a few posts, she started blogging about ePub and signed up for Google AdWords to stay on top of the game and earn some cashish for her new burgeoning family.

Now, a shitload of generations pass. It was the first list in literature, and set the stage for what was to become “Literature of Inventory” much much later in the annals of literary history. There’s Cain and Abel and Enoch and Mehujael and Methusael and Adah and Zillah and Tubal-Cain and Lamech and Seth and Enosh and Gunther and another Gunther and Methuselah, The Other Methuselah and The Other Other Methuselah who, in turn, bore Eli and Lilia. (But, that is another story all together.) We end the lists, some million years later, with Noah.

So, what does this all mean?  (Besides the fact that this is only part one of an installment…)

We all long to be back in the womb? Yes

Creation and destruction are one in the same? Yes

The act of writing is our own way of playing God? Yes

Quirk has just announced a new book: Adam, Eve, and The Androids? God, Yes!