Quit Being A Hooker, Hooker!

Brett talks with @AshleighGardner, Saves Publishing

Fri, 12 Mar 2010 15:22:03 -0500

Brett talks with @AshleighGardner, Saves Publishing

in which Brett and Russ take to Chatroulette (and explain what...

Fri, 05 Mar 2010 16:21:06 -0500

in which Brett and Russ take to Chatroulette (and explain what Chatroulette is, worry not) to sell Emily St John Mandel’s The Singer’s Gun

Hooking for money, hooking for free

Wed, 17 Feb 2010 15:33:00 -0500

THIS JUST IN STOP THE PRESSES:

www.qbah2.com, the world’s first and only publishing vlog, is the SPECIAL GUEST HOST for tonight’s event at 92y tribeca (on hudson) ft “cast member confidential” author/disney park fugitive chris mitchell and cat news creator/man-lover julie klausner, author of “i don’t care about your band”.

http://cmcbychrismitchell.com

www.julieklausner.com

tickets are 12 and there will be boozeahol for sale.

EX OH HOOKERS

#breakingupwithruss

Tue, 16 Feb 2010 13:30:48 -0500

#breakingupwithruss

You’ve implied it. You’ve asked for it. You’ve...

Tue, 16 Feb 2010 13:28:35 -0500

You’ve implied it. You’ve asked for it. You’ve begged us to do it. Now, it’s all here in one small video package. Brett and Russ (FINALLY) go on a date.

Brettcam meets Lauren Conrad.

Mon, 08 Feb 2010 12:27:58 -0500

Brettcam meets Lauren Conrad.

Lauren Conrad's sweet sweet candy

Sat, 06 Feb 2010 14:20:49 -0500

On Lauren Conrad’s remarkable debut novel, LA Candy, QBAH2’s Brett Sandusky once wrote the following:

Every generation, a writer of superior skill, tact and talent comes along and not only redefines the idea of literature itself but is successful at shepherding us into a new artistic age. Much like the Industrial Revolution which required the sheer force of metal upon metal of new machinery, this writer-revolutionary acts as forceful Sherpa to those of us in the art world and provides us with a conception of the world in a way that no one has ever seen or witnessed before.

It’s also a well-known face that Lauren Conrad inspired Russ’s “Just Working On My Novel” reading series.

So…join Russ and Brett and notthatLaurenbutaLauren in their journey to Mecca…as they field-trip all the way to the wastelands of Tribeca to meet Lauren Mother Fucking Conrad.

Part 1

Part 2

THE DEFINITIVE MACMILLAN v. AMAZON POST

Tue, 02 Feb 2010 12:08:47 -0500

Haha. Made ya look!

So, do you think I'm a bitch?

Tue, 02 Feb 2010 11:23:00 -0500

It’s a new year, and we’re back from hiatus. That’s right, people, Russ and I took a hiatus and didn’t even tell anyone. What’s the point these days…do we have to inform everyone of everything we do. Yes? Okay, well this is what we’ve been up to in the last month or so:

Holidays, travel on planes, family, friends, girlfriends, boyfriends, (lovahs?), new jobs, old jobs, new apartments, old apartments, apartments in Trump Towers with no furniture, cocaine covered surfaces and stripper roommates, new people, old people, people who flirt with our girlfriends via email, drag shows, gay lisps, burlesque shows, tittay shows, blasphemy, clapping and screaming to blasphemy on parade, theater shows, judging people harshly for bad gay jokes, emails back and forth about being on hiatus, emails back and forth about saying “hi”, body shots, birthdays, sects parties (!), reading books, eating Indian food, writing books, knitting sweaters, vet visits, removing books from Amazon, admiring peoples’ shorts, poking fun at the book industry, emails back and forth about meeting people for drinks, meeting people for drinks, emails back and forth about previous night’s drinks, buying new clothes, throwing old clothes in the garbage, seeing old friends, drinking in bars, taverns, saloons, greasy spoons, diners, concert halls restaurants and cocktail lounges, making oatmeal, eating oatmeal, looking at street parties, cold weather repelling, planning, scheming, dreaming, sleeping, stirring the pot, watching movies, listening to new music, etc.

Obviously, one cannot say that we’ve not been busy. But, it does feel good to be back.

Oh, and MAKEFUCKINGSURE to check us out tomorrow or the next day, really…WEAREGOINGTOMEETOURFUCKINGIDOL, LAURENFUCKINGLACANDYCONRAD! She’s totes doing a “reading” in NYC…and guess which two schmucks are going to bumrush her?

Oh, and yeah…this year, it’s all about monetizing. And a secret investigation. Stay tuned!

Tiger's a fag, Publishing eats it up

Fri, 08 Jan 2010 10:24:00 -0500

I read a disheartening article yesterday about one of Tiger Woods’, ahem, extracurricular activities, Loredana Jolie Pitt Fellini Follana (or whatever her name is) claims that she saw Tiger fuck a dude. It all reminded me of my favorite text message on TFLN in which one guy texts his friend the following message: “Fucking a dude.” Then, a few moments later, revises his statement: “I meant: Fucking A, dude.” Response from his friend: “That comma made all the difference there, huh?”

Whether this Loredana is telling the troof or not, I really don’t care. But, here it is…this is what we all have to be afraid of.

See that? Did you see it? The last line in the first paragraph… YES! Publishing have officially become a scheme of the get-rich-quick variety. YESsssssssss!

What’cha up to, Loredana? —> Oh, nothing, just riting a buk abut Tigger fuqin a dude n schopin it ‘round for 7 figgers. U?

7 FUCKING FIGURES, people. She is currently TRYING TO SELL HER TELL-FUCKING-ALL FUCKING BOOK FOR SEVEN FUCKING FIGURES.

This really is not about Tiger (or Loredana) at all. This is about us. What does it say about our industry when mistresses of high profile athletes are banking, BANKING, on selling her tell-all shocker for 7 figures? What does it say about our claim to be the “purveyors of fine content”? (a claim which we throw in the face of self-publishing companies all the time.) What does this say about our inability to refrain from salivating over cash money making schlock? Yay for being no better than the National Inquirer! Holla back atcha!

I think Mike Cane put it best, when he said, in response to this article: #PublishingIsWhores (@mikecane, Call Us!)

Ok…so a little less soapbox and a little more bullhorn for a moment: Russ, Lucy and I are going to be interviewed on the Twitters for #followreader today at 4pm EST with the ever-fabulous @KatMeyer. Check us on the hashtag; we’ll be talking QBAH2, hookers, bookers, nookers, cookers, vookers, lookers, and maybe (just maybe) Jersey Shore. (Not really.) (Really.) (No way.) (Way.) (No.) (Yes.) (No.)(Uh huh.)

Bookselling: Yr Doin It Wrong; or Why We Won't Miss Borders

Wed, 06 Jan 2010 17:29:57 -0500

Allow me, for a moment, to speak as a voice from the too-often self-censored independent bookstore world: being an indie bookseller is a rough and thankless task. That’s why, when I saw Borders UK was closing its doors (to paraphrase the great poet CeCe Peniston, on a matter of equal importance: “finally”), my thoughts turned to how much better the independent book world would be if the drool-spewing, slobbering, fat behemoth that is Borders U.S. would finally topple for good.

So much so, in fact, that I decided recently to tweet about it. And tweet about it. And, well, yes, tweet more. In fact:

Strong words? Not really strong enough, actually. Don’t get me wrong: I both have my share of problems with indie bookstores and have spent my share of cash at the Borders “Buy 2 Paperbacks Get 20 Free” sale (great business model, yeah?). But in the book selling landscape as it is now (little does the public at large know that it was this very landscape Cormac McCarthy was envisioning when he wrote The Road), Borders attempt at basically being the drunk girl at someone else’s birthday (“Imma throw myself at EVERYONE”)-fails miserably for one very, very simple reason:

they don’t care about books.

“But Borders sells more than books,” you say. This is true. They are DVDs and board games and LOLcats calendars (oh, shit, that reminds me I need to get a 2010 “Famous Pugs” day calendar). However, book selling has been proven time and again to be an ages-old occupation that operates outside of the realms of logic and reason, requiring *gasp* care and love and concern and a working knowledge of the product you’re selling.

This is where the independent bookstores, and those who work in them, get it right. To quote what Gary Vee Vaynerchuck VanCrushit said about Zappos, independent booksellers beat their big box competitors “at the care game”, recognizing that they can’t match the crazy “80 Paperbacks In A Big Ol Box” price-busting of their larger competitors and choosing instead to bank on the fact that books and book lovers are unique creatures. To some degree, we’ve seen Barnes and Noble, Borders more attractive, thinner and better at tennis sister, step their game up as the indie booksellers begin to rise in prominence and notoriety. Borders, however, has basically given the middle finger to books and the people who care about them. Walk into a Borders and try to find an associate to recommend a book. Hell, walk into a Borders and try to find a literate associate. It’s not going to happen. Further, they’ve done what amounts to stopping in-store ordering of titles, telling customers to “get the book online” for major (read as: Dan Brown) titles and that they’re basically shit out of luck for smaller ones. I can’t begin to count the number of authors I know published by smaller presses who have told me Borders has claimed their books just don’t exist.

You just can’t behave like that in an economy like this, and when you’re basing any amount of income on books you need to know your customer, and you need to know why your customer should spend $27 on the latest Julie Powell dirt with you rather than buy it for half of that on Amazon. Though they may tend to rose-tint their outlook, at least publicly, that’s a question indie bookstores have an answer to that Borders doesn’t.

The other question Borders U.S. can’t answer: why it’s still around. Close, fall on your face you unnecessary monster. We’re not gonna mourn you, but rather cheer as another bastion of the bloated retail landscape dies a needed death.

Our interview with Richard Nash, who saves publishing in his...

Wed, 23 Dec 2009 16:38:00 -0500

Our interview with Richard Nash, who saves publishing in his sleep. Put us all together in a room, and it’s a WHOA Fest! #publishingismothafuckingsaved.

Book News Daily

Wed, 23 Dec 2009 09:46:19 -0500

Here at QBAH2, we are not only dedicated to publishing, we’re dedicated to bringing you what’s happening in publishing first. Sometimes, before it even happens. That’s why we’ve just launched Book News Daily (@booknewsdaily on the twitters), the first and only source for of-the-minute, hot, breaking and totally fake book-world news and gossip.

We tweet because we care. Yeah, you’re welcome.

ISABELLA ROSSELLINI

Fri, 11 Dec 2009 08:48:24 -0500

The open plea to Isabella Rossellini. Also:Brett and Russ Get Stalked

and then….QBAH2 INTERVIEWS ISABELLA ROSSELLINI!

31 Hours in the life of QBAH2

Tue, 08 Dec 2009 10:42:41 -0500

The video from December’s “Just Working On My Novel”, featuring Masha Hamilton and Jean Grae.

Interview with Angela James, in 2 parts

Fri, 04 Dec 2009 11:12:00 -0500

“You and me

could write a bad romance”

-Stefani Joanne “Lady” Angelina “GaGa” Germanotta

Quit Being A Hooker, Hooker interviews Angela James, Executive Editor of new e-publishing venture Carina Press. The interview is in 2 parts, and we present both to you, here and now.

Interview with Angela James, Part One

Interview with Angela James, Part Two

"I got into this industry just at the tail end of when the going was good, and let me tell you, free..."

Wed, 02 Dec 2009 16:33:00 -0500

“I got into this industry just at the tail end of when the going was good, and let me tell you, free martinis flowed like baboon tweets at this time of year. Multiple parties every week and those are just the ones an Ed Asst could get invited to. I’m still so depressed about it that I frown at all apocalyptical blog posts in knowing anger. The book business IS dead, long live the book business.”

- Jen, Freelance Editor

Gholdilox and the three blog posts

Wed, 02 Dec 2009 15:30:00 -0500

It is pretty well fucking known by now that the publishing industry has nothing new to say, contribute, talk about, bitch about, kvetch about, etc. We haven’t had a new idea since Gutenberg, and yet we continue to pass around three blog posts over and over again, acting shocked and appalled every time we read the same thing for the 10,000,000th time.

Really, we should all be teaching the Green industry about recycling, reusing and repurposing, because we are the muthah faq-ing shiz when it comes to making a bit ole pile of something from a tiny pile of nuffin’. Hell, even Shakespeare wrote an entire gottdamned play about it, “Much Ado About Nothing.” Yes, we are Claudio. And we’ve just forsaken Hero (vom) for absolutely no reason at all…oh, yeah, wait, someone implied she cheated, but we have no proof for ourselves. (And, wait, PS: WHY IS IT ALWAYS THE DAMNED SERVANT’S FAULT????…really, Billy Shakes, you’d think that these rich people would quit listening to their servants and taking their “reports” at face fucking value all the time…)

If you don’t get the Shakespeare reference, then think of it this way: We’re every episode ever made of Friends.

So, without further ado (see what I just did there?), we give you the three blog posts the publishing industry can muster.

Blog Post Archetype 1: OMFGWEARESOFUCKED!

OMG OMG OMG OMG WE’RE SO FUCKED! WE’RE SO FUCKED! eBOOKS = WE’RE SO FUCKED!

This is the proverbial “caught with the pants down” post. The we-don’t-fully-understand-the-marketplace-OMG-WE’RE-SO-FUCKED-what-will-we-do?-PS-DID-I-MENTION-WE’RE-SO-FUCKED? post.

You’ve seen it. You’ve freaked out. You’ve passed it along to your boss. Your boss freaked out then laid off a few dozen people to make your house lean in these uncertain economic times. FUCKED is right.

Blog Post Archetype 2: We’re adapting.

This is the Home Shopping Network version of the publishing blog post. It’s all fake smiles, feigned happiness, caked-on makeup, cheap lighting. It’s all: Oh Em Gee, friends, we are going to be just fine. We are hip to be square. We get it! We are all over this bee-yotch! I am going to pop you in your grill. It’s all: I am really happy for you and I am going to let you finish, but the music industry was the best digital conversion fuck up of all time.

Right? We’re going to be okay? Right? I hope? Right?

Blog Post Archetype 3: Keep Fucking That Chicken!

Google Settlement, film at 11!

Extra, Extra! Read All About It: Amazon says they like books and eBooks!

Dan Brown eBook sold 2 copies on Nook in the last minute and a half!

What do we call this? Newsfuckingcaster. It’s not sharing industry news, OR even the fact that there is no news to share which is shared anyway that makes it over the top, no, it’s the MINUTIAE of every post about each of these topics as if someone gives a fucking shit about when the lawyer from Google sneezed in the fucking courtroom and pissed off the Kleenex people by using a cloth handkerchief to wipe his fucking nose.

Ugh. I have to go now. I can’t even look at you. (vom)

In case you missed this gem of a video, here it is in all its...

Tue, 24 Nov 2009 11:41:00 -0500

In case you missed this gem of a video, here it is in all its glory: PAULA FUCKING DEEN (Russ’ mother, grandmother AND aunt) HIT IN THE FACE WITH A FUCKING FLYING HAM! Yes, a ham. Flew. Through. The. Air. And. Connected. With. Paula. Fucking. “I Fry Butter.” Deen’s. FACE! Yes.

“Hey, y’aaalllllllllllllll, it was a travesty, y’aaaalllllll. I didn’t know they were throwing the hamms. So, I took that ham, smothered it in butter, y’alaalaaalllll. Then, I fried it. Then, I ground it up and mixed it with butter to make a ham salad, y’alallallalalalalalalalallllllllllll. Then, I took the ham salad, rolled it into balls, and fried those, y’aalalllll.”

I shit you not. This is what she said about the flying ham. I swearz.

So, PAULA FUCKING DEEN, CALL US! WE WANT TO TALK TO YAS ABOUT BOOKS AND FLYING FUCKING HAMS!

An afternoon with a Nooker

Fri, 20 Nov 2009 11:22:24 -0500

The outtakes from the QBAH2 afternoon spent with Laura Dawson