It is pretty well fucking known by now that the publishing industry has nothing new to say, contribute, talk about, bitch about, kvetch about, etc. We haven’t had a new idea since Gutenberg, and yet we continue to pass around three blog posts over and over again, acting shocked and appalled every time we read the same thing for the 10,000,000th time.
Really, we should all be teaching the Green industry about recycling, reusing and repurposing, because we are the muthah faq-ing shiz when it comes to making a bit ole pile of something from a tiny pile of nuffin’. Hell, even Shakespeare wrote an entire gottdamned play about it, “Much Ado About Nothing.” Yes, we are Claudio. And we’ve just forsaken Hero (vom) for absolutely no reason at all…oh, yeah, wait, someone implied she cheated, but we have no proof for ourselves. (And, wait, PS: WHY IS IT ALWAYS THE DAMNED SERVANT’S FAULT????…really, Billy Shakes, you’d think that these rich people would quit listening to their servants and taking their “reports” at face fucking value all the time…)
If you don’t get the Shakespeare reference, then think of it this way: We’re every episode ever made of Friends.
So, without further ado (see what I just did there?), we give you the three blog posts the publishing industry can muster.
Blog Post Archetype 1: OMFGWEARESOFUCKED!
OMG OMG OMG OMG WE’RE SO FUCKED! WE’RE SO FUCKED! eBOOKS = WE’RE SO FUCKED!
This is the proverbial “caught with the pants down” post. The we-don’t-fully-understand-the-marketplace-OMG-WE’RE-SO-FUCKED-what-will-we-do?-PS-DID-I-MENTION-WE’RE-SO-FUCKED? post.
You’ve seen it. You’ve freaked out. You’ve passed it along to your boss. Your boss freaked out then laid off a few dozen people to make your house lean in these uncertain economic times. FUCKED is right.
Blog Post Archetype 2: We’re adapting.
This is the Home Shopping Network version of the publishing blog post. It’s all fake smiles, feigned happiness, caked-on makeup, cheap lighting. It’s all: Oh Em Gee, friends, we are going to be just fine. We are hip to be square. We get it! We are all over this bee-yotch! I am going to pop you in your grill. It’s all: I am really happy for you and I am going to let you finish, but the music industry was the best digital conversion fuck up of all time.
Right? We’re going to be okay? Right? I hope? Right?
Blog Post Archetype 3: Keep Fucking That Chicken!
Google Settlement, film at 11!
Extra, Extra! Read All About It: Amazon says they like books and eBooks!
Dan Brown eBook sold 2 copies on Nook in the last minute and a half!
What do we call this? Newsfuckingcaster. It’s not sharing industry news, OR even the fact that there is no news to share which is shared anyway that makes it over the top, no, it’s the MINUTIAE of every post about each of these topics as if someone gives a fucking shit about when the lawyer from Google sneezed in the fucking courtroom and pissed off the Kleenex people by using a cloth handkerchief to wipe his fucking nose.
Ugh. I have to go now. I can’t even look at you. (vom)
