What’s scarier than a social disease, or waking up to see Madonna circa 2009 naked eating toffee-covered popcorn in your bed? Well that’s a trick question since those are both the same thing, but at QBAH2.com we know that the scariest thing in the world is….publishing. Did you hear the story about the 8 FIGURE UNRECOUPABLE ADVANCE FOR A CELEB METH MEMOIR?

SPOOKY!

To get you in the creepy spirit as Halloween approaches, the master”minds” behind Quit Being A Hooker, Hooker want to list a few of our scariest books of all time.

Hooker Halloween Part 1: Russ’s Scary Books List

Dan Brownses, The Da Vinci Code

It is impossible to believe that a book this poorly written was ever published, much less consumed by the masses. Impossible? MORE LIKE FRIGHTENING AS HELL.

Stuart Woods-entire body of work

Look at this guy. LOOK AT HIM. He is fucking frightening, eats the blood of babies, lives clothed in bunny skin and continues to produce books with titles like Shoot Him If He Runs in which he writes nasty-ass sex scenes that read like your Grandmother was doing a performance of Penthouse letters. Plus, he’s a zombie. A fat, fat zombie.

Paula Deen, It Ain’t All About The Cookin’

“…And if you listen closely on a quiet, dark night, near midnight, just like tonight and just like now, you can still hear the sounds of the arteries in little redneck children clogging from butter. Shhh….”

Stuff White People Like, I Can Has Cheezburger, This Is Why You’re Fat

“Mommy, tell me the scary story again!”

“Well, ok, hunny. Are you sure? It kept you up all night last night-remember? Mommy had to leave the light on?”

“I wanna! I wanna!”

“Well…Ok. ‘Once upon a time, despite a massive economic downturn and job layoffs left and right, the publishing industry threw billions of dollars at every fucking blog they saw in an effort to buy them off to make…book versions of their blogs! “

“MOMMY STOP THAT’S SO SCARY!”

More publishing-world freaks and frights to come.